My weight has affected me all my life and in every area. I believe I am in the financial situation I'm in because of it. By financial situation, I mean I have no finances. None. zilch. Nada. Goose egg. Ummmm...other words for nothing inserted here. You get the idea. I was pulled into the entertainment business because it seemed to be the only way I could fit in with society. I always felt like an outsider, sometimes even a freak. So I didn't follow my friends into college because I never thought I would be accepted. Yeah, it sounds like I have an inferiority complex and I do, because of the weight. Not an excuse, just a fat...I mean, fact. See? See how it affects everything?
It also has affected me with women. In my earlier blogs, I mentioned I was very late getting to the sex table (ok, ewww, sorry for that). I had no self esteem and couldn't believe a woman would find this (gestures widely up and down the body) attractive in any way. And for the most part, I was right. Some people have asked me why I didn't just go to a professional (as in hooker) and just get it done when I was younger. Its simple. I believed I would get rejected, even by them. That is how bad my self esteem was...and is.
Every once in a while, I would come across a girl that was crazy enough to get with me. Even then, they would struggle internally between what I would guess was attraction to the personality and revulsion to the physicality. It was never more apparent then when I went on a date with a woman I had met on an online dating service. A free service that will go unnamed except to say they treat you like seafood. This woman contacted me first. She seemed to like my pics and we went from texts to phone calls. Because she had a cold at the time we first started talking, we weren't able to meet right away. consequently, we got to know each other on the phone for almost 2 weeks. I am probably one of the funnier and more charming people you will talk to, especially if I am trying to impress. It is natural, but entirely traced back to my weight and having to "entertain" to be accepted.
Not only did we hit it off, she even went as far as coming up with a pet name for me. Can't recall it, but I do remember it was kind of strange to start calling someone a cute name before meeting them.
We finally set a date to meet and since we were hitting it off so well, we skipped the coffee meet and went straight to the dinner date. We decided on the Cheesecake Factory. Now, she knew I was obese. She saw pictures. I told her. There was nothing hidden on my part. She told me she was plus sized also so there it was.
I got a little dolled up, nice shirt, good pants. Combed my bald scalp. The usual. I get to the restaurant and she is already inside. A big and tall blonde, with a lot of hair piled high. She looked as I had expected. Then she saw me. And I saw "the look" all over her well painted face. Disappointment emanated from her like too strong perfume. It was like someone told her that not only there was no Santa Claus, but also that Jesus was really a fat guy.
The dinner was uncomfortable at best. We would talk, I would make her laugh and then, almost like magic she would remember she didn't like my look. Half the meal she would be laughing and the other half looking away. I figured it was over so I tried to get us out of there fast. We finished and I walked her to her car. I was about to say goodbye when she says,"So, its still early, did you want to go somewhere else? You mentioned mini golf at your work. Can we go there?" I was very confused. She looked like she couldn't get out of there fast enough and now she wanted to spend more time with me. I said ok and she followed me to the putt place. We played a round of golf and seemed to have a good time. Got back out to the car and I started to shake her hand goodbye when she grabbed me and gave me a big hug. She left and I headed home. Not 5 minutes later, I get a call from her. She was telling me what a great time she had. I decided to put all the cards on the table and called her on the way she acted during the date. She said I was right and that she was sorry. She didn't know what came over her, blah...blah...blah...
I told her that it was nice to meet her and sorry it didn't go anywhere. She really sounded upset that it ended that way. More mad at herself than anything. She even continued to call me but I finally stopped answering.
I took my profile off the site. It made me realize that I just didn't want to have to deal with that kind of rejection. Or so I thought.
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