I moved to Los Angeles at the age of 25. A quarter of a century old and still a virgin. I was on my own for the first time in my life after living with my parents until I moved. I had very little money, no place to live and no job waiting for me. Everything I owned was in my Chevy cargo van that I had driven across country. Even so, it was a wonderful sense of freedom I was feeling on that trip out. Although I was tipping the scales at 350 lbs, I was also free to do what I wanted. I had no one waiting for me to arrive and a little bit of money in my pocket.
Stopping for the night in Oklahoma city, I went out looking for something to do. I had heard on the radio that a blues band was playing at a local club and since one of the things I was planning to pursue in L.A. was music (I was and am a drummer and singer), I was drawn to that locale. It was a rocking band, with a horn section and everything. I found out that the next night was going to be an open jam session with them so I stayed the extra night and went back. I got to play drums on one song and sing another. I've done a lot of performing in my life. Comedy, magic, acting on the stage. But nothing beats the feeling of singing and playing music that you love in front of an appreciative audience. For me, there is no greater high. And for just a short time I forget my own "fat" blues.
I rolled into Los Angeles feeling positive about life. I had my best friend since jr high who was living in town and was able to put me up for a few days until I found a place of my own. A few days later, I got a one bedroom apartment in North Hollywood and made myself a promise to change my life. I went out and shopped for healthier food than I had been eating my whole life. I bought fruits and vegetables, chicken, whole grain bread. I spent about $100 in groceries and other sundries. I carried up the numerous bags to my apartment and put everything away in its place. I was finally home and ready to begin my life. Of course, after all that work I was pretty tired. Too tired to make dinner that night. So I figured, "what the hell, one more night of bad food won't hurt me." And so it continued.
I ordered a pizza and ate the whole thing. But I was going to begin my new life in the morning, right? Did you ever see $100 worth of food go bad? I did. I lived up the street from about 10 different fast food places. Why bother with cooking when I had my own personal chefs. The chef at Wendy's, the one at Jack in the box, another at KFC. I probably gained 50 lbs that first year. To be continued....
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sex...(or lack thereof)
Okay, this blog gets a little personal so those of you with weak stomachs may want to change the channel.
When it came to sex, I was societally stunted due to my perceived low self worth. When you grow up with body issues since 4 years old, you tend to not get into the dating scene as much as your peers. I had several "girlfriends" when I was in my preteens, but only the holding hands kind. My first love was at 7 years old with a girl named Shelby Hartzel. A tall girl who never went anywhere without rollerskating there. I can't hear the song "Brand new key" from the 70's without thinking of her.
Then there was Denise Soufrine, whom I gave several rings to when I was 10. She left me because I didn't want us to sit together on the school bus for fear of being discovered. You know how that goes.
And then there was Melanie Kaufman. I met her at fat camp (see earlier blog). She was my first real semi sexual experience, other than myself. Nothing major, just some heavy petting and such.
And then....nothing. I was a social leper when it came to girls. Never went to any of the proms, went to one dance where my only contribution was to get the DJ to play the flip side of Boz Scagg's hit "Lido Shuffle". It was the future hit "We're all alone" that I thought would make a great slow jam to dance to. I was right. Everyone slow danced...except me. It got so bad dating wise that my mom thought I was gay because I never brought girls home or went out. One day, a girl at school that I was friends with took pity on me and came over the house. We were making out on the couch when my mom came home and caught us. I imagine the call to my dad went something like this, "Morton! I just got home and YOUR son was with a girl on OUR couch! I am so mad...oh thank God! I just realized...OUR son had a girl here! Woohoo!"
In my early 20's, I had 2 dates with a girl I met in a record shop. We were going pretty good until the third date when she told me she was a lesbian. Now, there are several different ways of looking at this. One could think she told me that because she didn't want to continue any further. Very possible. She could have been telling the truth and she didn't want to hurt my feelings and maybe she liked me enough to make herself second guess what she wanted. Nice to believe but probably not the case. The there is the 3rd alternative... that I turned her gay. My mind tends to believe that one.
After that, life in the dating world of Scott Dorfman was barren and bleak. I was by no means the 40 year old virgin, but I got pretty close. I was in a few skirmishes but never in an actual firefight until after I moved to Los Angeles. I was 25 when I moved from CT to CA but it wasn't until almost 10 years later that I got sent to the front and saw some real action. All because of my weight. More on this in the next blog.
When it came to sex, I was societally stunted due to my perceived low self worth. When you grow up with body issues since 4 years old, you tend to not get into the dating scene as much as your peers. I had several "girlfriends" when I was in my preteens, but only the holding hands kind. My first love was at 7 years old with a girl named Shelby Hartzel. A tall girl who never went anywhere without rollerskating there. I can't hear the song "Brand new key" from the 70's without thinking of her.
Then there was Denise Soufrine, whom I gave several rings to when I was 10. She left me because I didn't want us to sit together on the school bus for fear of being discovered. You know how that goes.
And then there was Melanie Kaufman. I met her at fat camp (see earlier blog). She was my first real semi sexual experience, other than myself. Nothing major, just some heavy petting and such.
And then....nothing. I was a social leper when it came to girls. Never went to any of the proms, went to one dance where my only contribution was to get the DJ to play the flip side of Boz Scagg's hit "Lido Shuffle". It was the future hit "We're all alone" that I thought would make a great slow jam to dance to. I was right. Everyone slow danced...except me. It got so bad dating wise that my mom thought I was gay because I never brought girls home or went out. One day, a girl at school that I was friends with took pity on me and came over the house. We were making out on the couch when my mom came home and caught us. I imagine the call to my dad went something like this, "Morton! I just got home and YOUR son was with a girl on OUR couch! I am so mad...oh thank God! I just realized...OUR son had a girl here! Woohoo!"
In my early 20's, I had 2 dates with a girl I met in a record shop. We were going pretty good until the third date when she told me she was a lesbian. Now, there are several different ways of looking at this. One could think she told me that because she didn't want to continue any further. Very possible. She could have been telling the truth and she didn't want to hurt my feelings and maybe she liked me enough to make herself second guess what she wanted. Nice to believe but probably not the case. The there is the 3rd alternative... that I turned her gay. My mind tends to believe that one.
After that, life in the dating world of Scott Dorfman was barren and bleak. I was by no means the 40 year old virgin, but I got pretty close. I was in a few skirmishes but never in an actual firefight until after I moved to Los Angeles. I was 25 when I moved from CT to CA but it wasn't until almost 10 years later that I got sent to the front and saw some real action. All because of my weight. More on this in the next blog.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fat is funny
Being overweight since 4 years old and obese since 8, I developed a huge inferiority complex early on. Constant ridicule and shunning has a way of working into one's psyche. It did, however provide me with 2 traits I have to this day. One would be seen as a positive and one a negative. The first one I will talk about now and the next one in a future blog. The first trait was my sense of humor. To counteract the constant berating due to the weight, I fought back with the one talent that seemed to come naturally...funny.
And not just "2 Jews walk into a bar..." funny. I was witty. (By the way, the punchline to that joke is, "...they buy it.") See?
Okay, maybe that wasn't the greatest example of my hilarity but I found I could disarm with laughter. One of the first things you learn in the fat biz is that if you make fun of yourself first, it takes away the power from others.
Louie Anderson said it best when he spoke the line, "I don't like doing fat jokes but if I didn't you would be out there nudging your partner going, "Ya think he knows he's fat?"
For example, I knew a 500 lb guy was going to attract attention wherever he goes. Since I was going to be stared at anyway, why not milk it? I would walk into a movie theater loud and proud, bellowing lines like, "let's see, who's gonna pay me the most not to sit in front of them?" Or, "Is this row taken?" A classic.
Now, I found out later this was extremely embarrassing to my friends that came with me to the movies but they didn't know my pain! It costs to be my friend! Lost many a friend like that.
I even went into stand up comedy, figuring thats where I would be welcome. And I was. For awhile. until they got tired of fat humor. Oh, don't get me wrong. I had other material. but even after leading with the weight stuff, once I switched to any other topic, they couldn't get past the fat guy doing political or observational comedy.
I did have one moment in stand up that I would like to share. A moment where being big just lent itself perfectly to the situation. I was just starting out, doing open mic nights. A particularly bad comic was on just before me. He was a real thin guy. I mention this because he was doing fat jokes. But from the point of view of all the people that used to make fun of people like me. He was ending his routine with a bit about the fattest guy in the state. Seems this guy was so big he got stuck in his doorway. people came from miles around to take pictures. It was a real tourist stop, etc, blah blah blah...Real sidesplitting, huh?
The audience reacted poorly, not happy with this skinny guy making fun of people. when he finished he got a smattering of polite applause. I was about to go on next and was waiting at the back entrance. He walked by me, did a quick up and down of my weight and said "Try following that, big man!"
The MC introduces me. I don't move. There is an uncomfortable pause in the show, what they call in radio "dead air". I finally get to the stage, running up the steps with a small towel in my hand and breathing hard.
I catch my breathe, wipe my forehead and say the following line.
"Sorry, folks for being a little late. I was getting ready to leave my apartment and got stuck in the doorway. Tourists were taking pictures, it was horrible!"
The audience goes nuts with applause. Same bit the last guy bombs with, I hit out of the park. I heard later he was upset and was looking for me. That comic was Jay Leno. Not really, but that would have been a great ending, yes?
And not just "2 Jews walk into a bar..." funny. I was witty. (By the way, the punchline to that joke is, "...they buy it.") See?
Okay, maybe that wasn't the greatest example of my hilarity but I found I could disarm with laughter. One of the first things you learn in the fat biz is that if you make fun of yourself first, it takes away the power from others.
Louie Anderson said it best when he spoke the line, "I don't like doing fat jokes but if I didn't you would be out there nudging your partner going, "Ya think he knows he's fat?"
For example, I knew a 500 lb guy was going to attract attention wherever he goes. Since I was going to be stared at anyway, why not milk it? I would walk into a movie theater loud and proud, bellowing lines like, "let's see, who's gonna pay me the most not to sit in front of them?" Or, "Is this row taken?" A classic.
Now, I found out later this was extremely embarrassing to my friends that came with me to the movies but they didn't know my pain! It costs to be my friend! Lost many a friend like that.
I even went into stand up comedy, figuring thats where I would be welcome. And I was. For awhile. until they got tired of fat humor. Oh, don't get me wrong. I had other material. but even after leading with the weight stuff, once I switched to any other topic, they couldn't get past the fat guy doing political or observational comedy.
I did have one moment in stand up that I would like to share. A moment where being big just lent itself perfectly to the situation. I was just starting out, doing open mic nights. A particularly bad comic was on just before me. He was a real thin guy. I mention this because he was doing fat jokes. But from the point of view of all the people that used to make fun of people like me. He was ending his routine with a bit about the fattest guy in the state. Seems this guy was so big he got stuck in his doorway. people came from miles around to take pictures. It was a real tourist stop, etc, blah blah blah...Real sidesplitting, huh?
The audience reacted poorly, not happy with this skinny guy making fun of people. when he finished he got a smattering of polite applause. I was about to go on next and was waiting at the back entrance. He walked by me, did a quick up and down of my weight and said "Try following that, big man!"
The MC introduces me. I don't move. There is an uncomfortable pause in the show, what they call in radio "dead air". I finally get to the stage, running up the steps with a small towel in my hand and breathing hard.
I catch my breathe, wipe my forehead and say the following line.
"Sorry, folks for being a little late. I was getting ready to leave my apartment and got stuck in the doorway. Tourists were taking pictures, it was horrible!"
The audience goes nuts with applause. Same bit the last guy bombs with, I hit out of the park. I heard later he was upset and was looking for me. That comic was Jay Leno. Not really, but that would have been a great ending, yes?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Why am I doing this?
Although the last 2 blogs were of my history as a fat kid, I would like to let you know why I have started this.
On Sunday, I started yet another new program to lose weight. I won't mention what it is just yet as I want to see if it is worth even mentioning. I will give it a month and then let you know how it goes. Suffice it to say I drink my breakfast (no, not that way you alcoholic minded freaks!) and eat several small meals throughout the day. I am trying my best to cut back on my sugar intake. I've stopped my daily coffee bean ritual of a large black forest with whip. If nothing else, I'll save $6 a day!
The product I'm using is also supposed to help give me more energy. Now, not sure if thats going to happen, but even though I am sick today I don't feel all that bad in general and seem to have a little more pep. (is the word "pep" even used any more?)
It is so tough to change eating habits. I always have something sweet after a meal and now I am trying to break that. Doing the sugar free route for now and try to ween myself off the hard stuff.
Pretty soon it will be time to try and do the "E" word. Exercise....ugh! Fortunately, I have a dog that needs to be walked so I will start by increasing the length of the walk. Or I could just sit on the stoop and get a 200 ft leash.
Sort of defeats the purpose, you say? Who asked you! Sorry, didn't mean to snap. I'm coming off a 7 year sugar high.
On Sunday, I started yet another new program to lose weight. I won't mention what it is just yet as I want to see if it is worth even mentioning. I will give it a month and then let you know how it goes. Suffice it to say I drink my breakfast (no, not that way you alcoholic minded freaks!) and eat several small meals throughout the day. I am trying my best to cut back on my sugar intake. I've stopped my daily coffee bean ritual of a large black forest with whip. If nothing else, I'll save $6 a day!
The product I'm using is also supposed to help give me more energy. Now, not sure if thats going to happen, but even though I am sick today I don't feel all that bad in general and seem to have a little more pep. (is the word "pep" even used any more?)
It is so tough to change eating habits. I always have something sweet after a meal and now I am trying to break that. Doing the sugar free route for now and try to ween myself off the hard stuff.
Pretty soon it will be time to try and do the "E" word. Exercise....ugh! Fortunately, I have a dog that needs to be walked so I will start by increasing the length of the walk. Or I could just sit on the stoop and get a 200 ft leash.
Sort of defeats the purpose, you say? Who asked you! Sorry, didn't mean to snap. I'm coming off a 7 year sugar high.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Fat camp (or how to lose weight and influence fat kids)
At 13 years of age, my parents decided to send me to a sleepover camp in the Catskills of NY that specialized in weight loss. Sort of the "Shecky Greene's camp for fat future comics". Right after I arrived, 2 heavy set kids descended on me and started making fun of my weight. I pointed out to them that they were heavy also and in the same camp and thus the same kind of predicament that I was in. I didn't quite say it like that as I hadn't had the expanded grasp of the English language that I enjoy now so it came out, "Oh yeah? you're fat too!"
To which they replied, "Yeah, but you are REALLY fat! We're just overweight." Ah, youth.
I did meet a girl that summer. Her name was Melanie and she sported a Jew fro and glasses. She taught me French kissing and I taught her a Queen song that I told her I wrote. Alas, it was an ill fated romance as she met someone else after camp ended in her NY hometown OA meeting.
I ended up losing 42 lbs in the 7 weeks there. Not hard to do as they fed you little and exercised you a lot.
On the last day when the parents came up to get us, they were given the choice of staying in camp for lunch or taking us out to the nearby town. My parents, never being away from me for so long, decided to take me into town and treat me. We went to an arcade and had fast food. We went to a restaurant and they let me order anything off the menu. You see where I'm going with this? they spent a couple of grand on this camp to teach me to eat properly and then turned around and basically force fed me all the wrong stuff. That was what I dealt with in the 25 years living with my parents. Yes, 25 years at home. I'll explain why at another time.
To which they replied, "Yeah, but you are REALLY fat! We're just overweight." Ah, youth.
I did meet a girl that summer. Her name was Melanie and she sported a Jew fro and glasses. She taught me French kissing and I taught her a Queen song that I told her I wrote. Alas, it was an ill fated romance as she met someone else after camp ended in her NY hometown OA meeting.
I ended up losing 42 lbs in the 7 weeks there. Not hard to do as they fed you little and exercised you a lot.
On the last day when the parents came up to get us, they were given the choice of staying in camp for lunch or taking us out to the nearby town. My parents, never being away from me for so long, decided to take me into town and treat me. We went to an arcade and had fast food. We went to a restaurant and they let me order anything off the menu. You see where I'm going with this? they spent a couple of grand on this camp to teach me to eat properly and then turned around and basically force fed me all the wrong stuff. That was what I dealt with in the 25 years living with my parents. Yes, 25 years at home. I'll explain why at another time.
Hello, all!
I am starting this blog for one reason only. To document what I am hoping will be a life changing journey. I have been overweight most of my life. I say "most" because I was actually born a normal weight, 7 lbs/3 ounces. I guess contact with air was the trigger because when the doctor slapped me on the ass to induce breathing, I started crying not because of shock but because I was hungry. It was downhill from there.
I will be going back and forth through time (I have that power) as I describe the latest attempt to lose weight in a very long line of attempts. For example, my first brush with weight loss was at the ripe old age of 6. Both my parents have been overweight most of their adult lives and obese since the late 60's. So, my parents are going to Weight Watchers and because I was about 30 lbs overweight at 6 years old, they would drag me with them. Did I understand everything that was going on? Of course not! at 8 years old, my mom was bringing me to Overeaters Anonymous. This is a 12 step program for fat people. Their main tenet is a belief in a higher power. I'm 8. My higher power was Gigantor!
I will be going back and forth through time (I have that power) as I describe the latest attempt to lose weight in a very long line of attempts. For example, my first brush with weight loss was at the ripe old age of 6. Both my parents have been overweight most of their adult lives and obese since the late 60's. So, my parents are going to Weight Watchers and because I was about 30 lbs overweight at 6 years old, they would drag me with them. Did I understand everything that was going on? Of course not! at 8 years old, my mom was bringing me to Overeaters Anonymous. This is a 12 step program for fat people. Their main tenet is a belief in a higher power. I'm 8. My higher power was Gigantor!
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