Fat is funny

Being overweight since 4 years old and obese since 8, I developed a huge inferiority complex early on. Constant ridicule and shunning has a way of working into one's psyche. It did, however provide me with 2 traits I have to this day. One would be seen as a positive and one a negative. The first one I will talk about now and the next one in a future blog. The first trait was my sense of humor. To counteract the constant berating due to the weight, I fought back with the one talent that seemed to come naturally...funny.
 And not just "2 Jews walk into a bar..." funny. I was witty. (By the way, the punchline to that joke is, "...they buy it.") See?
Okay, maybe that wasn't the greatest example of my hilarity but I found I could disarm with laughter. One of the first things you learn in the fat biz is that if you make fun of yourself first, it takes away the power from others.
Louie Anderson said it best when he spoke the line, "I don't like doing fat jokes but if I didn't you would be out there nudging your partner going, "Ya think he knows he's fat?"
For example, I knew a 500 lb guy was going to attract attention wherever he goes. Since I was going to be stared at anyway, why not milk it? I would walk into a movie theater loud and proud, bellowing lines like, "let's see, who's gonna pay me the most not to sit in front of them?" Or, "Is this row taken?" A classic.
Now, I found out later this was extremely embarrassing to my friends that came with me to the movies but they didn't know my pain! It costs to be my friend! Lost many a friend like that.
I even went into stand up comedy, figuring thats where I would be welcome. And I was. For awhile. until they got tired of fat humor. Oh, don't get me wrong. I had other material. but even after leading with the weight stuff, once I switched to any other topic, they couldn't get past the fat guy doing political or observational comedy.
I did have one moment in stand up that I would like to share. A moment where being big just lent itself perfectly to the situation. I was just starting out, doing open mic nights. A particularly bad comic was on just before me. He was a real thin guy. I mention this because he was doing fat jokes. But from the point of view of all the people that used to make fun of people like me. He was ending his routine with a bit about the fattest guy in the state. Seems this guy was so big he got stuck in his doorway. people came from miles around to take pictures. It was a real tourist stop, etc, blah blah blah...Real sidesplitting, huh?
The audience reacted poorly, not happy with this skinny guy making fun of people. when he finished he got a smattering of polite applause. I was about to go on next and was waiting at the back entrance. He walked by me, did a quick up and down of my weight and said "Try following that, big man!"
The MC introduces me. I don't move. There is an uncomfortable pause in the show, what they call in radio   "dead air". I finally get to the stage, running up the steps with a small towel in my hand and breathing hard.
I catch my breathe, wipe my forehead and say the following line.
"Sorry, folks for being a little late. I was getting ready to leave my apartment and got stuck in the doorway. Tourists were taking pictures, it was horrible!"
The audience goes nuts with applause. Same bit the last guy bombs with, I hit out of the park. I heard later he was upset and was looking for me. That comic was Jay Leno. Not really, but that would have been a great ending, yes?